Why do I push everyone away and isolate myself?

It might not be self-sabotage — here’s why.

Have you ever found yourself wondering: “Why do I keep pushing people away even when I feel lonely?” Or maybe you’ve googled questions like, “Is pushing people away a coping mechanism?” or “Is it maladaptive to isolate myself?” If you’re like many of us living in Seattle, where three months out of the year are gray, rainy, and quiet, you might have chalked it up to the weather. But what if there’s something more going on?

If you’re noticing that you tend to isolate yourself—especially when you're hurting—it’s not because you’re broken. In fact, this pattern may have been your mind and body’s best attempt to protect you.

Pushing people away can often feel like self-sabotage. You want connection, but the moment someone gets close, something inside you shuts down or pulls away.

If this is familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken (or maladaptive). In fact, there’s a good chance that pushing people away was once a smart move — a protective strategy that kept you emotionally safe at a time when safety wasn’t guaranteed.

3 Reasons It Might Be an Adaptive Response, Not Self-Sabotage

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) lens, these moments of pulling away — the withdrawal, the detachment, the tension in your chest — they’re not failures. They’re adaptive responses. And they’re usually trying to do something very specific: protect you from pain.

This kind of pattern doesn’t come out of nowhere. Maybe it started when you learned that showing emotion didn’t get met with support — it got dismissed, criticized, or ignored. Or maybe closeness meant walking on eggshells. So you stopped reaching.

That old pattern? It served a purpose. But over time, the protective strategy can start to cause the very disconnection you’re trying to avoid.

3 Questions That Might Help You Get Closer to the “Why”

You don’t need to fix yourself. But it might help to understand what’s happening when you pull away. These questions are a place to start.

1. What part of me is doing the pushing?

That might sound like a strange question, but if you pause in those moments when you’re pulling away, you’ll often find a part of you that’s scared — or angry — or just plain tired.

That part isn’t trying to ruin your relationships. It’s trying to protect you. Maybe from getting hurt again. Maybe from showing up vulnerable and being disappointed. Again.

2. When did I learn that needing people comes at a cost?

A lot of us picked up early messages that being emotionally open wasn’t smart. Maybe you needed someone and they didn’t show up. Maybe you got told to toughen up, or that your feelings were “too much.”

Over time, you stopped turning toward people. You learned to rely on yourself. But those early experiences don’t just disappear — they shape how your nervous system responds to closeness. And when the past shows up in the present, it can feel like pushing people away is the only safe option.

3. What would it take to stay in the moment, instead of shutting down?

Sometimes, this question feels impossible. But it’s where change starts.

What would it take to notice that urge to disconnect — and stay just long enough to see what else is there?

In EFT, we don’t try to shame people out of their protective strategies. We get curious. We look at what the protection is doing. And we start to build space for something new: staying. Naming what’s happening. Taking a risk on connection — even when it’s uncomfortable.

This isn’t about getting it right — it’s about getting clarity

If you’re here wondering, “Why do I push everyone away?”, the question itself tells me something important: you care. You want connection. And you’re paying attention to the pattern.

That’s the beginning of change.

You don’t need to bulldoze your defenses or fake vulnerability. You just need a safe enough space to start being real — with yourself, and maybe eventually with someone else.

At Seattle Therapy and Counseling, we work with people who are ready to get honest about what’s been keeping them stuck — and what might need to shift to move forward. If we can be a support to help make those changes, you can contact us here.