What is Avoidant Attachment?
Maybe you’re recognizing something about yourself.
Maybe you find yourself pulling away just when a relationship begins to feel emotionally close. Maybe you’ve been told you’re “emotionally unavailable.” Or perhaps you’re on the other side - in a relationship with someone who seems to shut down just when you need them the most.
If this resonates, you’re likely navigating the landscape of avoidant attachment. And that awareness is a good first step.
The Origins: Understanding the Strange Situation Experiment
To understand avoidant attachment, we need to go back to the research of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, whose work in the mid-20th century helped shape what we now know about attachment theory.
In Ainsworth’s Strange Situation Experiment, young children were observed in a room with their caregivers, then left alone briefly, and finally reunited. Some children reached for their caregiver with relief. Others became deeply distressed. And some - those who would later be described as having an avoidant attachment style - seemed unaffected by their parent leaving or returning.
But here’s the thing: they weren’t unaffected. Their bodies still showed signs of distress - they had just learned not to show it.
These children learned early on that emotional needs might not be consistently met. So, they adapted. They managed on their own. That adaptation - the choice not to need, or not to show that they need—is not a disorder. It’s a survival strategy.
Avoidant Attachment as a Survival Strategy, Not a Flaw
When Attachment Styles Get Weaponized
In therapy spaces and popular culture alike, we can be quick to label. “He’s so avoidant.” “She always pulls away.” Sometimes, these labels get weaponized - used to blame, criticize, or pathologize.
But attachment styles aren’t moral failings. They’re adaptations developed to create a sense of safety in environments where emotional attunement wasn’t guaranteed. When we say someone has an avoidant attachment style, what we’re really saying is: They learned to stay safe by staying distant.
The Real Purpose: Creating Safety and Security
So, what does avoidant attachment look like in adulthood?
It can look like a deep discomfort with emotional intimacy. Difficulty expressing needs. Prioritizing independence. Pulling away when a partner gets too close. It can look like being calm on the outside while feeling flooded internally.
How does avoidant attachment act? Often, it acts by shutting down when emotional intensity rises. Overwhelm triggers a reflex to retreat - not because the avoidantly attached person doesn’t care, but because caring deeply feels risky. Vulnerability can feel like a threat. In these moments, they may go silent, seem indifferent, or become hyper-focused on tasks, work, or distractions.
It’s important to remember: this isn’t about lack of love. It’s about a nervous system trying to stay regulated in a moment that feels unsafe, even if nothing “dangerous” is happening.
What Are the Traits of Avoidant Attachment?
Let’s name some common traits. If you or someone you love relates to these, you’re not alone:
Suppressing or downplaying emotions
Struggling to ask for help or express needs
Prioritizing logic over emotional connection
Feeling uncomfortable when others rely on you emotionally
Interpreting others’ needs as pressure or intrusion
Valuing independence and self-sufficiency above all else
Pulling away or shutting down when intimacy grows
Again, these behaviors aren’t flaws. They are reflections of early environments where closeness may have felt unsafe or unreliable.
Your Attachment Style Can Change
Here’s the hope: these patterns are not permanent.
Attachment styles are not life sentences. They’re descriptions of strategies you once needed, not definitions of who you are. And the brain is wonderfully changeable.
With consistent, safe relationships - whether with a partner, friend, or therapist - the neural pathways that were wired for self-protection can begin to rewire for connection. You can learn to stay present when intimacy arises. You can practice asking for what you need and trusting that someone might actually meet you there.
Moving Forward: What This Means for You
Whether you’re exploring your own avoidant patterns or trying to connect with someone who has them, the work begins with compassion. Blame won’t move the needle. But understanding the “why” behind the behavior? That’s the first step toward something new.
If you’re avoidantly attached, change doesn’t mean becoming someone who’s suddenly emotionally wide open overnight. It means learning to stay just a little longer in moments of closeness. To check in with your body when you want to shut down. To risk asking for what you need.
And if you love someone with an avoidant style, know this: their distance isn’t rejection. It’s a protective reflex. With safety, consistency, and time, trust can grow.
If this resonates with you and we can offer support, please reach out, we would love to be a support.
